It’s far too easy
To sit here
While you sit there
Having no idea
The pain I just caused myself on the outside
To take away the pain inside
Today I feel like quitting life again.
I feel like I’m failing at everything. At being a wife. At being a mom. At being a sister. At being a daughter. At work. At therapy. At being a human being. And I don’t feel like I can explain it to anyone. Not my husband. Not my mother. Not my sister or brother. Not my friends. Not my coworkers. And sometimes not even to myself.
I know I should be using the tools I’ve learned in therapy. I know they help. I know they make me stronger and happier and better. But lately I just don’t feel like I’ve been able to push myself to take action like I used to. I can’t seem to get myself to move. I don’t feel like I can. Which only makes things worse.
It’s this awful cycle of knowing the things I should and need to do but not having the strength to force myself to do them. Then feeling even more weak and worthless because I didn’t do them.
That’s when the gremlins take over and push out any and all of the light that might be left within me. They leave me feeling depressed, empty, powerless and worthless. That’s when I want to quit and end all of it. That’s when it gets so hard to remember the reasons not to quit – Dylan, Adam, sunshine, art, music, nature and all the beauty there is in this world. That’s when all I see is hurt and fear and pain and loneliness. That’s where darkness is the only thing that exists.
And that’s where I am right now….caught in the darkness. Feeling deserving of only pain and suffering. Unable to move. Unable to see the light. Fighting the gremlins. Hoping that they will set me free someday. Hoping that someday I will find the light again.
Not sure what has come over me this afternoon but that desire to just quit is completely overwhelming. So I’ve walked. And I’ve tried to see the beauty in the things around me. And I’ve listening to beautiful music. And I’ve read inspiring words.
I’m trying but it seems so impossible to keep moving forward – or even moving at all – when it hits and I can’t identify why.
This battle is hard. This battle that happens over and over again.
This battle taking place inside the deepest darkest corners of my brain. The place where the monsters and the gremlins and the terrible memories hide. The place where life torments me and reminds me of the terrible things that can happen to the most innocent pieces of your soul. The place where I feel like I have been permanently broken into a million shards of glass and there isn’t any possible way to put them back together again.
But I keep trying to put all the pieces back together. I keep trying and trying and trying but they crumble apart over and over. The way sandcastles crumble.
It’s like trying to fill a bucket with water when it has a hole in it. It doesn’t matter how much or how quickly you dump the water in, it will never be full. It will always keep emptying.
There are brief moments when I get to feel the warmth. The sunshine of my authentic self breaking through the darkness. The joy of being artistic and confident and happy and free. Those moments are precious. And I don’t know if anyone realizes just how few of those genuine moments I get.
I don’t know if anyone truly understands how often that small girl with the blonde hair and the bright eyes gets bullied into the dark by the gremlins who speak such terrible words to her. The ones that make her believe she is dirty and bad and stupid and hopeless and not worthy of love. That she deserves pain and loneliness and sadness.
Doesn’t anyone see how often she finds a dark closet in my head and curls into a ball and hides with her hands over her ears to try to block out the noise. To block out the memories. To block out the hurt. To block out the world and to just disappear.
I just want to disappear.