The Darkness & The Light

Today I feel like quitting life again.

I feel like I’m failing at everything.  At being a wife.  At being a mom.  At being a sister.  At being a daughter.  At work.  At therapy.  At being a human being.  And I don’t feel like I can explain it to anyone.  Not my husband.  Not my mother. Not my sister or brother.  Not my friends.  Not my coworkers.  And sometimes not even to myself.

I know I should be using the tools I’ve learned in therapy.  I know they help.  I know they make me stronger and happier and better.  But lately I just don’t feel like I’ve been able to push myself to take action like I used to.  I can’t seem to get myself to move.  I don’t feel like I can.  Which only makes things worse.

It’s this awful cycle of knowing the things I should and need to do but not having the strength to force myself to do them.  Then feeling even more weak and worthless because I didn’t do them.

That’s when the gremlins take over and push out any and all of the light that might be left within me.  They leave me feeling depressed, empty, powerless and worthless.  That’s when I want to quit and end all of it.  That’s when it gets so hard to remember the reasons not to quit – Dylan, Adam, sunshine, art, music, nature and all the beauty there is in this world.  That’s when all I see is hurt and fear and pain and loneliness.  That’s where darkness is the only thing that exists.

And that’s where I am right now….caught in the darkness.  Feeling deserving of only pain and suffering.  Unable to move.  Unable to see the light.  Fighting the gremlins.  Hoping that they will set me free someday.  Hoping that someday I will find the light again.

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